You really want a bigger penis?

You may call this anecdotal advice, or perhaps common wisdom, but it’s something I’ve just gotta say, and having a website of my own gives me a forum for saying it.

Every day I’m shoveling spam out of my mailbox from bozos who want to give me a bigger penis. I hear their ads on the radio, I see them on TV. This is only the latest symptom of a national obsession that has caused far more misery than it’s worth!

Americans are traditionally misinformed about all things sexual, but this is a biggie, no pun intended. The only place we get information on this obviously critical subject during our sexual formative years is from sitcom innuendo, locker room chatter and porn.

How big should our penises be? Every young stud wonders that, and the only answer being offered is big, bigger, biggest! Now we’ve got radio ads telling us that all women want men with huge dicks, and anything less is going to leave them unsatisfied.

This madness has got to stop! We’ve got millions of guys running around buying sports cars and monster trucks and plotting to take over the world because they think their penises are too small. Worries about penis size cause more insecurity, anxiety, depression and dysfunction than anyone will ever admit to. Enough of this misery and desperation! Someone has got to tell people the freakin’ truth, and since no one else seems to be stepping forward, I guess it’s up to the lowly B&D artist.

Guys, here it is, the actual truth about penis size. Women’s equipment comes in different sizes, just like men’s equipment does! All you have to do is find a woman with proportions compatible with your own!

Bigger isn’t necessarily better! The ads are wrong, having a huge cock doesn’t make you a satisfaction machine! The truth is, it only increases the number of women you can never have sex with, because you’re just too damn big!

Being too big for a particular woman is even worse than being too small for her. If you’re too large for her to take your schlong without pain, she’s not going to have sex with you, ever. If you’re too small, she might at least do you once or twice. You don't satisfy women with your dipstick anyway, truth be told. Female satisfaction doesn't come from the penis, it comes from the tongue. Learn the art of cunnilingus!

That venerated old book, the Kama Sutra, which was written by an unknown member of a lost civilization in ancient India, laid it out clearly thousands of years ago. Men’s penises come in three size categories: Hare, Bull and Horse. Women’s vaginas also have three sizes: Deer, Mare and Elephant. If you’re a bull, you need to find a woman who is a mare, and so on. Simple, once you get past the zoological imagery.

In our culture we often choose our mates without taking scale into consideration. After all, there are so many other things to consider! But this is an important one in the long run.

So there it is. Size does matter, but bigger isn't necessarily better. This is the sort of information I think every guy needs to know, particularly young guys. It sure would be nice if we could add it to the sex-ed curriculum or something. Maybe we’d have fewer men going through their lives feeling inadequate.

-Brian Tarsis