Want Some Big Billowing Bosoms?

All right ladies, are you thinking life would be better if your breasts were bigger? I know some of you are. Well, I’ve got some anecdotal wisdom for you, too. Breast implants are for suckers!

I spent ten years tying up naked and nearly-naked models in Los Angeles. That was part of my job. (Tough gig, but somebody had to do it.) About a quarter of them had enhanced breasts. When you’re wrapping rope around a girl’s naked tits, the subject does tend to come up, so yes, I have actually talked to literally hundreds of girls about their breast implants. This may not make me an expert, but I do know a thing or two. The up-sides of having breast enhancement are obvious. Now let me tell you about the down-sides.

First of all, they don’t really look like the real thing once you take your clothes off. They ride higher than natural tits, and are shaped like domes. They don’t move and jiggle like real breasts, and they aren’t squeezy like real ones, either. They’re firmer, harder and not as much fun to play with.

There are scars from the surgery. Doctors try to hide them by making the cuts in different places, sometimes in the crease underneath the breast, sometimes along the edge of the areola, even in the armpit, but they are always visible from some angles. Two girls I talked to had lost all feeling in their nipples as a result of the surgery.

The implants calcify. The body, in trying to protect itself from these foreign objects, gradually coats them in a hard, bone-like material that makes them hard as a pair of rocks. This will take a few years. The surgeons will tell you to massage your breasts regularly to prevent this, but all you can really do is delay it.

But the worst thing about breast implants is that most of the time one surgery isn’t all you’ll be having. So many things can go wrong! Often the implants will settle, or slip out of their original position, so that your tits no longer match. Sometimes they slide downward so your nipples end up pointing toward the sky. Sometimes your body simply won’t accept them, and you’ll be sick all the time because your immune system is constantly battling the implants. Infections occur, leaks happen, or sometimes they just get so hard you can’t stand them. Of the girls I talked to between 1987 and 1997, nearly all had to go back for additional surgeries, on an average of about once every five years.

And you can’t just decide to have them taken out and forget about it, either. They stretch your breasts out, so that removing them leaves you hanging like a pair of empty sacks. You can’t even opt for a smaller size once you’ve been stretched. They have a surgery that removes the excess skin when this happens, but the scars are so horrific you don’t even want to know.

Once you decide to have implants installed under your skin, there’s no going back. You can never have those nice, natural little tits back again. It’s a one-way street to surgery city, which works out great for the plastic surgeons, but it’s not so great for you.

The point to this grim diatribe? Don’t do it! It isn’t worth it! The cultural propaganda that makes you think you need big sweater melons is artificial anyway! Sure, there are men who really like immense gazongas, but there are plenty of us who like little ones, too. Instead of saving up for the surgeons, make peace with the breasts you have. Please!

-Brian Tarsis