Female Domination

There are a great many questions that arise when the subject of female domination comes up, I've noticed. It's a very mysterious aspect of BDSM, and the facts of the issue are clouded by myth. Many people new to the scene are curious, but don't know who to ask. Well, I may not know all the answers, but I can tell you a few things, things that I feel you really should know. Here are some of the questions, followed by some of the answers:

Why are there so many professional female dominants, and no male ones?

The answer is one of the most unfortunate truths of the BDSM scene. Overall, there are actually very few dominant women. I mean this in the sense that applies to all dominant or submissive people in the scene. There are plenty of people who have dominant personalities, who can dominate conversations or get someone else to do their work for them. That’s not the same thing. In the BDSM context, being dominant or submissive is a sexual preference, and you are dominant or submissive if you are actually sexually turned on by playing that role in the bedroom or dungeon.

Percentage-wise, men tend to split more or less evenly between being dominant or submissive. But women in the scene are nearly all submissive. I’ve met very few truly dominant women. This is a big problem, because it leaves a great many submissive men without appropriate partners.

This void is all too often filled by professional dominants, women who make men pay cash to experience domination. Being a top myself, I don't know how many pro doms are real, natural dominants, but I have met a great many who aren't. Submissive men, just like the rest of us who are kinky, are driven by a great need to make their fantasies real, and many of them are willing to pay plenty to make it happen. Dominating men for money is very profitable, and the field has attracted hordes of women who are in it strictly for the bucks. It's a shame that men should have to pay for this service, and it's all too easy for them to be exploited by mercenary pro-doms who have no true interest in satisfying their desires.

Of course there are professional dominas who are real. When a true dominant woman discovers she can earn a living doing what she loves, who can blame her for choosing that path? I remember when Alexis Paine decided to go pro. She deliberated about it for months, and asked her friends what we thought. Ultimately she decided to do it, and became a superstar of dominants, as well she should. She's the real deal, a dominant who truly loves doing it, and she's very good at it. A good professional dom can become very rich. But apparently the male submissive population keeps a whole lot of bad ones in business, too.

Within the BDSM community, the lack of real female dominants causes another problem as well. It attracts a breed of women who are not truly dominant, but who are so insecure in themselves that they are only comfortable dealing with men from atop a pedestal. The role of dominant, at least in its superficial aspects, suits them all too well, and the more their egos get fed, the larger they become. Sadly, for them, it’s all about their ego, and they are far too self-centered to be effective dominants. I don’t know how male-subs feel about these women, but the rest of us find them trying. The BDSM community usually sorts out bad doms pretty quickly, since no one wants to play with them. But these women are encouraged to keep coming back by desperate male-subs, who apparently feel bad fem-doms are better than none.

When you look at BDSM fantasy erotica in video, picture magazines, artwork and websites, there seem to be an awful lot of women topping other women. Why is this so common in fantasy, yet so rare in real life?

Truth is, men like watching women topping women, for a variety of reasons. In fact, it is the most universally appealing BDSM scenario there is! That’s why it appears so often in stories, art, photos and videos. Men who like the dominant role can enjoy the scene for what’s happening to the sub girl, and if they have homophobia issues, there’s no male presence to make them uncomfortable; and male submissives can imagine themselves in the fem-sub’s place, being dominated by the fem-dom. Women may not be quite so universally pleased by this scenario, but hey, let's face it... most visual erotica is for men. Besides, to most of us, male or female, women just generally look better with their clothes off than men.

In the real-life BDSM community, you do sometimes see women topping other women, but it’s fairly rare. At least this is true in the general, open, pan-sexual BDSM parties that I’ve experienced. Now I’m gonna go out on a limb here, and suppose that BDSM lesbians have their own parties. I’m a guy, so I would hardly be on the guest list. But even in less gender-exclusive parties, you do sometimes see a woman dominating another woman. In most cases, they are not lesbians, but hetero or bi women who like playing with other women. I’m told that many submissive women enjoy the unique, nurturing energy of being topped by another woman. It’s apparently less primal and lust-driven than being topped by a man. The women doing the dominating in these scenes are often not really dominant by nature, but might be switches, and enjoy topping another woman because it’s so much less demanding than topping a man. When women play together it tends to be far more sensual than sexual.

A truly dominant woman, as you can see, is worth her weight in gold. If you’re a submissive male, or a submissive female, who wants to be dominated by a woman, hold out for the real thing. A woman who is only posing as a dominant to gratify her own ego is not a good dom.

What is a good dominant, and how will you know when you find one?

Whole books have been written on this subject. The specifics are debated often and heatedly, and I'm not going to go into them. But here is a basic, universal truth that no one can argue. A good dominant, of either gender, truly cares what their sub is experiencing at their hands. He or she pays attention to the cues and makes every effort to know where the sub is, physically, mentally and emotionally, every moment of the scene. For a good dominant, creating a powerful, positive experience for their sub is what it's all about. Because a good dominant gets off on you, not on how they look dominating you.

-Brian Tarsis